I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
