I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
