how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
