when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
