i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
