i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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