her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
