Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
