cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
