..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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