No awkward lesbian experiences without me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
