I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
