Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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