My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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