i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
