one two three fourrrrnication!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
