That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
