A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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