Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
