yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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