I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
