I think I died a long time ago.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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