I haven't been this sober since birth.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
