4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
