: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
