the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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