My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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