Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
