I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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