I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
