I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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