Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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