I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
