i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
