Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I pour the whiskey from now on
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
