If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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