Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
