i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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