I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
