GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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