i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
