i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
