I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
