This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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