Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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