I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
