Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
