apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize