I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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