Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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