Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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