How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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