do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
