I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You ruined the universe
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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