Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
