he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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