I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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