I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm passing your future prison.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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