He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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