Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
